My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No stitches, just platelets and will power
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
