i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
