Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
