I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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