just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
