matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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