I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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