I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
