Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
