can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
