you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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