Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
