There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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