Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
