Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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