apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
