Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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