well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
