I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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