I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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