They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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