You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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