i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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