He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
