Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize