I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize