in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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