as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Vodka?
Forever.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
