sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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