Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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