did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
