I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
