then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
