Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
