I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
