Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
