Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
