I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
