so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
