I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
