I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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