I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize