Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
not ubering you a puppy
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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