Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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