I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
