I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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