Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
