She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
