a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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