you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
