I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
