Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
love makes seman taste better
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
