I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
