I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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