Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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