I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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