i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
