checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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