why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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