I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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