i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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