i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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